Please pray for me alone here at home. Yesterday was my husband's funeral. It was the first time I'd seen him in 14 days. My children wanted open casket to say their goodbyes. The last sight of him after he passed on September 3rd was very traumatizing and they needed to see him looking peaceful in his casket before we went to the cemetery. With finances the way they were it was 14 days between his death and his burial. Everything from that is last day feel so fresh in my heart and mind again just when I thought I was able to manage and adjust somewhat to how bad his last days were and his absence here is so palpable anew. The funeral was beautiful and many people came. Giving hugs and condolences and it really helped my children to know that their dad was so well loved and respected. I received one card and there wasn't a single flower in the entire funeral home or sent to my house and only one lone card with one lone name dropped at the table at the entrance to the funeral home. Maybe no one really cares. Maybe I'm not as good a person as I thought people saw me as. But to sit here alone without a single flower or card or meal dropped off or phone call it's just empty. It just goes to show I think how people feel about me. They know I have severe social anxiety and that the hundred degree heat at the grave site was going to be very hard on me but I managed to push through and act normal for all of their sake and then lay down for the next 12 hours when I got home with the curtains drawn. But I really feel like no one loves me. Even the obituary didn't really mention me even though we've been happily married for 54 years. I completely lost my mind and wasn't even in touch with reality after he passed the way he did. I couldn't talk or eat and kept vomiting and gasping trying to figure out how to breathe and had to literally have people showing me how to inhale and then how to exhale. Every single burden about taking care of arrangements fell to my only daughter who's been very ill and suffering so many other things in her life. She may harbor resentment for me over not being there for so many times in her life because of my mental problems with autism and the mistakes I've made in her life. It seems like she hates me and was only going through the motions for her daddy and preparing for his final resting place. My 11 year old autistic grandson brought me a single red rose broken off very short that he got from visiting a rose farm somewhere with his mom. So many other funerals I've attended in my 70 years had stacks and stacks of sympathy cards coming in the mail to show support in the following months and flowers and food were dropped off multiple times. Either times have changed or everyone hates me. It took every ounce of my being to try and act normal. Something I've never been able to pull off even since childhood. Sometimes I hate being autistic because I'm always misunderstood. It drains me to be around people and hugging and intense close interactions that are expected, even though I greatly appreciate it. I just didn't expect everything that seems so fresh again after 2 weeks it's like it just happened yesterday. Please pray for strength of all of our children who are all allowed at the funeral even though some were told they had been disowned for various reasons over the years, everyone who loved him was able to go, especially my middle son who had caused so many issues for the others. Please touch them with your loving embrace my Holy Mother Mary, the only mother I'veever known. I had a fender bender accident with my car the day before the funeral and now I'm stuck in this house alone and I don't even know how it's going to get fixed. I can't handle being trapped here. I want to be where I can see beauty and light and flowers and trees and sky instead of these dark walls in the home we shared and where he died and everywhere I look he should be there but he isn't.