Please pray for me to have patience, tolerance, fortitude and all of the things I've been lacking recently. I've been so angry and sad and broke and hungry. I have no laundry soap, no milk, and none of the things it takes to keep this piece of garbage body I'm stuck in going. I'm either screaming in rage and frustration or break down crying like an idiot. I'm worn out. Physically and emotionally. Spiritually bereft. I married my husband 53 years ago. I'm autistic. He was 23 and I was only 15. I didn't know better at the time. When I was 30, it was like I suddenly woke up and realized I was a victim of a narcissistic pedophile. He wasn't a terrible person and had for the most part been a decent husband. No violence or infidelity. I just can't get past the anger I feel about the first 15 years of our marriage. I was a CHILD! A mentally challenged child at the time. Around age 30 I finally felt like an adult. By then we had multiple children and I would never divorce and deprive my children of a real mother and father in the home. He loved me and them and had greatly matured. I just get angrier and angrier as time goes on. The kids are grown and many have their own children now. But, these past few years, my husband being much older, he has so many health problems that I'm expected to deal with. He smoked cigarettes and I never did. So, he got lung cancer and COPD (lung cancer gone now). He ate so much unhealthy food and got diabetes, and heart disease. His lung disease contributed to him developing dementia according to doctors. I am supposed to give him breathing treatments several times a day. To give him two different kinds of insulin every day. Make sure he takes blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, allergy meds, mucus thinning meds, syrups and other pills. He cannot or WON'T do any of it for himself. He also just sits in bed with his perfectly functioning legs and says he's hungry like I'm supposed to bring him his food in there. He can walk just fine. I'm so tired and I just want to scream, then end up crying in guilt. I can't stop thinking about the fact that I've NEVER felt any attraction to him like a wife should. Every time he initiated physical intimacy I was disgusted and felt like he was more like a brother. I never wanted marriage or physical intimacy. I just let life happen to me because of unhealed childhood trauma. I think I'm mad at myself and raging mad and frustrated with him. And I feel so guilty because any moment could be his last. I think he has pneumonia again as of several days ago and I'm fighting it with all I have. He's been in the hospital at least 5 times this year for a few days each time. His mental status has declined and even with antibiotics his fever keeps returning.